Leverage

I'm not complaining.  I'm just explaining.

One thing that is definitely different about exchange students and your own children is leverage.

With your own teenager, you have some [semblance of] control over them through finances, or limiting activities, or just through good old fashioned guilt.  And, over the years, a balance of power forms in your home where everyone understands their place and how to function.

For example:  Mom comes home grumpy.  Teenager knows to stay out of her way for a certain period of time.  (or, variation, Teenager goes to Dad for assistance).

Dad gives instruction that teenager doesn't like.  Teenager argues.  Dad stands his ground.  Teenager realizes that further argument will only result in Very Bad Things Happening and teenager gives up.

The thing is, when you have an exchange student, they are not aware of these rules. When Mom comes home grumpy, they don't know to avoid her and end up causing a bigger problem.  When they get a direct instruction from Dad that they don't like, they may continue to argue and not see that they are only creating a bigger problem for themselves.

And, as I said, there is the issue of leverage.

How do you change the behavior of someone that doesn't get financial support from you, doesn't have much flexibility in their activities (really just goes to school, maybe church, volunteers and ... what else?), and doesn't really internalize your intended guilt trip?

At our house, unfortunately, extra chores and taking away your phone are about the only options.  And, in case of a very serious infraction, complaining to the exchange organization, which could result in a letter of discipline.  That would be kind of like sending your own kid to jail, but at the same time, the options are very very limited.

So, you try to choose good students.  You try to make good rules at the start of the year.  You try to stop bad behavior early, reinforce good behavior, and tolerate the misunderstandings.

Truly, we are so blessed this year.  All three of our girls are so sweet and hard workers.

But, only one of them understands the secrets of dealing with The Parents.